In my journey to personal development and growth I had to do an
inventory of skills I have what I would like to have. I noticed that
assertiveness was an important skill that I need to develop.
Most of the time I do stand up for my self and I thought that using
emotions raising your voice to make a point and get support form
some people is winning the points. So i started reading and looking
at articles so i come across the famous book of Dale carnegie that
has written so much about communication, persuasion and people
skills.
i have summarised some points to help my self and other people
that would like to improve that communications skills.
1.Don't counteract and don't react. If a comment is raised your blood pressure, you feel redness and feel a boiling feeling inside that is not a good time to
answer. Predictably the answer will be rushed, not thought through
and you will be perceived childish and rushed and rude.
Take a deep breath, count to 10 and summarise the facts. Beaware
of your voice tone, volume and pitch.
2. Don't make excuses. start with "I " statements. I am feeling...,
hearing...., understanding...., but let me understand better , is this
what you meant??
Every time we say "YOU did this and you make do this", YOU are this
and the other is personal abuse accusation and the other person will
want to fight or flight response. We are not our behaviour we can
make mistake, say things wrongly and judge a situation not correctly. We might have done something rude in the past but we are not rude, we might have done
something mean in the past but we are not mean people.
Telling somebody you are this is verbally attack and offence.
3. Avoid using always and never, like" you always do/ say/ behave ....
this to me", " you never understand/ protect..." This are
generalisations,
not specific are for sure when used to fuel the situation .
4. Don't expect people to agree with you. Clearly state what you want,
need and the benefit to other party.
Thanks to Dale Carnegie book The 5 essential people skills for the
inspiration. This is my quest for this year. To become assertive.
This article is taken form Source
Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in social and
communication skills training.
Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other
people’s rights in a calm and positive way, without being either
aggressive, or passively accepting ‘wrong’.
Assertive individuals are able to get their point across without
upsetting others, or becoming upset themselves.
Although everyone acts in passive and aggressive ways from time to time, such
ways of responding often result from a lack of self-confidence and are, therefore,
inappropriate ways of interacting with others.
This page examines the rights and responsibilities of assertive behaviour and
aims to show how assertiveness can benefit you. You may also be interested in
image from
What is Assertiveness?
The Concise Oxford Dictionary defines assertiveness as:
“Forthright, positive, insistence on the recognition of one's rights”
In other words:
Assertiveness means standing up for your personal rights - expressing thoughts,
feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways.
It is important to note also that:
By being assertive we should always respect the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of
other people.
Those who behave assertively always respect the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of other people as
well as their own.
Assertiveness concerns being able to express feelings, wishes, wants and desires appropriately and is
an important personal and interpersonal skill. In all your interactions with other people, whether at
home or at work, with employers, customers or colleagues, assertiveness can help you to express
yourself in a clear, open and reasonable way, without undermining your own or others’ rights.
Assertiveness enables individuals to act in their own best interests, to stand up for themselves
without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings comfortably and to express personal rights without
denying the rights of others.
Being Assertive
Being assertive involves taking into consideration your own and other people’s rights,
wishes, wants, needs and desires.
Assertiveness means encouraging others to be open and honest about their views, wishes and feelings,
so that both parties act appropriately.
Assertive behaviour includes:
- 1. Being open in expressing wishes, thoughts and feelings and
- encouraging others to do likewise. See our page on Managing
- Emotions.
- 2. Listening to the views of others and responding appropriately,
- whether in agreement with those views or not. See our page on
- Active Listening.
- 3. Accepting responsibilities and being able to delegate to others.
- See our page on Delegation Skills for more.
- 4. Regularly expressing appreciation of others for what they have
- done or are doing. See our page on Gratitude and Being Grateful.
- 5. Being able to admit to mistakes and apologise.
- Maintaining self-control. See our page on Self-Control for more.
- 6. Behaving as an equal to others. See our page on Justice and
- Fairness to explore further.
Those who struggle to behave assertively may find that they behave either
aggressively or passively.
Being Passive
Responding in a passive or non-assertive way tends to mean compliance with the wishes of others and can undermine individual rights and self-confidence.
Many people adopt a passive response because they have a strong need to be liked by others. Such people do not regard themselves as equals because they place greater weight on the rights, wishes and feelings of others. Being passive results in failure to communicate thoughts or feelings and results in people doing things they really do not want to do in the hope that they might please others. This also means that they allow others to take responsibility, to lead and make decisions for them.
See our Personal Presentation and Self-Esteem pages for tips on how to increase your personal
confidence.
A classic passive response is offered by those who say
'yes' to requests when they actually want to say 'no'.
For example:
“Do you think you can find the time to wash the car today?”
A typical passive reply might be:
“Yes, I'll do it after I've done the shopping, made an important telephone call,
finished the filing, cleaned the windows and made lunch for the kids!”
A far more appropriate response would have been:
“No, I can't do it today as I've got lots of other things I need to do.”
The person responding passively really does not have the time, but their answer does not convey this message. The second response is assertive as the person has
considered the implications of the request in the light of the other tasks
they have to do.
Assertiveness is equally important at work as at home.
If you become known as a person who cannot say no, you will be
loaded up with tasks by your colleagues and managers, and you could
even make yourself ill.
When you respond passively, you present yourself in a less positive light or put yourself down in some
way. If you constantly belittle yourself in this way, you will come to feel inferior to others. While the
underlying causes of passive behaviour are often poor self-confidence and self-esteem, in itself it can
further reduce feelings of self-worth, creating a vicious circle.
See our pages on Building Confidence and What is Self-Esteem? for more information.
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